Laura has talked about her love of truth...not as an abstract idea but as a personal reality...one that dispels the lies seem to surface and cloud our perceptions of who we are, who God is, and how we see and relate to others. So in the spirit of identifying lies and replacing them with truth I will list a few that come to my mind.
1. A lie that I believe so frequently is that in order to be accepted , interesting, or worthy of someone's time and attention I must have some sort of insightful information , be able to amuse or entertain , or be able to help someone in a concrete manner. The truth, while difficult to identify but deep down I believe that God has made me unique (as that is His way in creating), that I have something in my very being that is worth sharing (that I don't need to "bury my talents" my talents so to speak) and that He has provided me with people who love me and want to know the real me and are willing to take the time and energy to help me discover this truth.
2. Lie: My anxiety will isolate me in fear that I cannot be the person I hope to be. Truth: Weakness in its many forms (mine being anxiety) is a channel to lean upon God, grow in trust and appreciation for the gift of vulnerability...that there is a hidden strength in being honest and delighting in weaknesses...that shame has no hold on the (my) soul who knows God is always ready to meet me in the places I cannot hold together.
3. Lie: My experiences of disappointment and hurt will have the final word in how I see God and The Church in its many forms. Truth: God cares deeply about these feelings and wants to heal them...He leads the way in forgiveness and can redeeem my experiences and give me a greater solidarity with Him and His people.
I think 3 is good for now. How do you replace lies with truth??
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Processing...
Ok.
So...my wife and I talk about how much we enjoy writing and I know I can be very guilty of spewing out a booko of ideas without ever pursuing the actual activity related to these ideas...so this is my attempt to move forward with an idea.
The idea of writing.
For those who know me, I enjoy the struggle of life. I feel it is central to learning to reunite the spirit and the flesh...the lower and higher parts of our person. the heaven and the earth so to speak.
One of my things I have done this night is taken time to listen to a musician that I have grown to appreciate over the years.
His name is Jason Upton.
I think what I enjoy about his music is that he makes it an aim to stay awake to yearnings of the human heart...and I think there is a conviction that God draws near as he (or I, or anyone else for that matter) draws near by exploring the realms of thought and emotion that is wrapped up in "the heart".
I have noticed in conversations that I have a love / hate relationship with yearning and passion.
Last night I was talking with my father about my suspicions towards passion. How a person's conviction can blind them to consider new information, finding security and safety in their belief...dogmatic is a word that comes to mind.
And yet without passion...life just isn't. it's dull , predictable, calculated, etc.
I yearn for wonder and mystery and yet it frustrates me too.
Just a few moments I had an experience that brings out the conflict.
I received an email from my mother in law inviting me to read the bible in a year.
Now there was a part of me that was excited and hopeful that an opportunity like this would come my way. I say that because I've really wanted to restore the disciplines of prayer, sacred reading, and other Christian practices to my life. And yet not even a chapter in the reading I encounter my roadblock of bitterness.
It happens so quickly while reading the story of Cain and Able...I find myself opening up to the questions of why we are given this story...why it was preserved...what is it suppposed to teach us...and a myriad of questions that usually gives the space to engage God.
And at the same time I hear the voices that try to tell me how simple scriptual reading is and how it should answer things and so and so forth. And the bitterness comes in my longing for that to be true...and yet my experience has not shown biblical reading to simplify my life nor give it simple categories to make sense of the world. Again I realize that this reveals a lack of gratitude for the insight I've gained from biblical reading....along with feeling that I have the infection of entitlement that is so prevelant in our generation.
My pastor Tim was talking to me a while back about how much anger is alive in my generation. And I feel like I know this anger personally...and yet I have hope that somewhere in the midst of the anger is a heart that wants to bleed with passion , be filled with longing , and just simply has become tangled up by the cords of disappointment and unforgiveness.
Life is good on so many dimensions and yet there is the tendency to continually look at what "is not" instead of "what is".
Time with the heart can be tiring...and yet refreshing. with that thought...time for bed.
So...my wife and I talk about how much we enjoy writing and I know I can be very guilty of spewing out a booko of ideas without ever pursuing the actual activity related to these ideas...so this is my attempt to move forward with an idea.
The idea of writing.
For those who know me, I enjoy the struggle of life. I feel it is central to learning to reunite the spirit and the flesh...the lower and higher parts of our person. the heaven and the earth so to speak.
One of my things I have done this night is taken time to listen to a musician that I have grown to appreciate over the years.
His name is Jason Upton.
I think what I enjoy about his music is that he makes it an aim to stay awake to yearnings of the human heart...and I think there is a conviction that God draws near as he (or I, or anyone else for that matter) draws near by exploring the realms of thought and emotion that is wrapped up in "the heart".
I have noticed in conversations that I have a love / hate relationship with yearning and passion.
Last night I was talking with my father about my suspicions towards passion. How a person's conviction can blind them to consider new information, finding security and safety in their belief...dogmatic is a word that comes to mind.
And yet without passion...life just isn't. it's dull , predictable, calculated, etc.
I yearn for wonder and mystery and yet it frustrates me too.
Just a few moments I had an experience that brings out the conflict.
I received an email from my mother in law inviting me to read the bible in a year.
Now there was a part of me that was excited and hopeful that an opportunity like this would come my way. I say that because I've really wanted to restore the disciplines of prayer, sacred reading, and other Christian practices to my life. And yet not even a chapter in the reading I encounter my roadblock of bitterness.
It happens so quickly while reading the story of Cain and Able...I find myself opening up to the questions of why we are given this story...why it was preserved...what is it suppposed to teach us...and a myriad of questions that usually gives the space to engage God.
And at the same time I hear the voices that try to tell me how simple scriptual reading is and how it should answer things and so and so forth. And the bitterness comes in my longing for that to be true...and yet my experience has not shown biblical reading to simplify my life nor give it simple categories to make sense of the world. Again I realize that this reveals a lack of gratitude for the insight I've gained from biblical reading....along with feeling that I have the infection of entitlement that is so prevelant in our generation.
My pastor Tim was talking to me a while back about how much anger is alive in my generation. And I feel like I know this anger personally...and yet I have hope that somewhere in the midst of the anger is a heart that wants to bleed with passion , be filled with longing , and just simply has become tangled up by the cords of disappointment and unforgiveness.
Life is good on so many dimensions and yet there is the tendency to continually look at what "is not" instead of "what is".
Time with the heart can be tiring...and yet refreshing. with that thought...time for bed.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Disturb us Lord - Ancient prayer
Disturb us Lord,
When we are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us Lord,
When with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst for the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us Lord,
To dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas,
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.
Prayer of Francis Drake, 1577
Friday, May 21, 2010
More far reaching than torment...
So I just finished reading the story about "Legion"
(Mark 5:1-19 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark%205:1-19&version=NLT)
- a story about a man so tormented, that among the many who may have tried, only Jesus was able and willing to deal with the man's demons that had destroyed so much within and around him.
It seems that the people around this man were more concerned with restraining him than restoring him as all their methods consisted of chaining and shackling him down...but still these efforts failed. For in short, the people came to the realization that they could not CONTROL him and this realization brought about fear.
While it doesn't say in the story, I can't help but wonder if the people actually sent him away to live among the tombs OR if maybe the man was so far driven by his shame that he decided to make his home among the dead - in a place where his destructive ways could be solely directed at himself.
But then, here comes Jesus, the God man whose devotion consisted of pure divine determination to rescue this man AND restore him to the person who even he himself no longer had the vision to see.
To draw this into a modern application I first thought about my recent experiences at the nursing home where I feel that I have seen many faces of torment. Some of them are rarely taken out of their room - left alone to voice their cries. And even still with all the wailing that actually reaches our ears I can't help but wonder how many cries remain within the region that lies between their own ears (the mind).
Yet while this passage comforts me when I think of times where the torment and restlessness within me seems too great to bear - I find an example in Jesus of one who is able and willing to come beside and demonstrate the almighty power of God's mercy that comes beside me to destroy a work of hell that has been operating in my life.
I still at the same time go back to the faces that I see and the voices I here that exemplify a torment that I easily conclude that we must occlude it from our reach simply because of our powerlessness to control it. Maybe what is really needed is an enlarged vision to see the person as they were before- as a restful child or as a beloved parent - either way, restoring them to a place where are no longer outside the reach of love. For ultimately this story shows me that LOVE is able to reach beyond that which we are able to control.
(Mark 5:1-19 http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=mark%205:1-19&version=NLT)
- a story about a man so tormented, that among the many who may have tried, only Jesus was able and willing to deal with the man's demons that had destroyed so much within and around him.
It seems that the people around this man were more concerned with restraining him than restoring him as all their methods consisted of chaining and shackling him down...but still these efforts failed. For in short, the people came to the realization that they could not CONTROL him and this realization brought about fear.
While it doesn't say in the story, I can't help but wonder if the people actually sent him away to live among the tombs OR if maybe the man was so far driven by his shame that he decided to make his home among the dead - in a place where his destructive ways could be solely directed at himself.
But then, here comes Jesus, the God man whose devotion consisted of pure divine determination to rescue this man AND restore him to the person who even he himself no longer had the vision to see.
To draw this into a modern application I first thought about my recent experiences at the nursing home where I feel that I have seen many faces of torment. Some of them are rarely taken out of their room - left alone to voice their cries. And even still with all the wailing that actually reaches our ears I can't help but wonder how many cries remain within the region that lies between their own ears (the mind).
Yet while this passage comforts me when I think of times where the torment and restlessness within me seems too great to bear - I find an example in Jesus of one who is able and willing to come beside and demonstrate the almighty power of God's mercy that comes beside me to destroy a work of hell that has been operating in my life.
I still at the same time go back to the faces that I see and the voices I here that exemplify a torment that I easily conclude that we must occlude it from our reach simply because of our powerlessness to control it. Maybe what is really needed is an enlarged vision to see the person as they were before- as a restful child or as a beloved parent - either way, restoring them to a place where are no longer outside the reach of love. For ultimately this story shows me that LOVE is able to reach beyond that which we are able to control.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Much said, with few woods.
I love Henri Nouwen. I have been getting little meditations of his in my email the past few weeks. This one today gave me much to think about. Here it is...
Jesus' Compassion
Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.
Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.
Jesus' Compassion
Jesus is called Emmanuel which means "God-with-us" (see Matthew 1: 22-23). The great paradox of Jesus' life is that he, whose words and actions are in no way influenced by human blame or praise but are completely dependent on God's will, is more "with" us than any other human being.
Jesus' compassion, his deep feeling-with us, is possible because his life is guided not by human respect but only by the love of his heavenly Father. Indeed, Jesus is free to love us because he is not dependent on our love.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Growing Young - Rich Mullins
I've gone so far from my home
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding,
Bleeding and falling apart
And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young
I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you, it ain't worth what it costs
And I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much
And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child
'Cause I've been broken now, I've been saved
I've learned to cry, and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning ...
I've seen the world and I have known
So many secrets
I wish now I did not know
'Cause they have crept into my heart
They have left it cold and dark
And bleeding,
Bleeding and falling apart
And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And be growing young
Growing young
I've seen silver turn to dross
Seen the very best there ever was
And I'll tell you, it ain't worth what it costs
And I remember my father's house
What I wouldn't give right now
Just to see him and hear him tell me that he loves me so much
And everybody used to tell me big boys don't cry
Well I've been around enough to know that that was the lie
That held back the tears in the eyes of a thousand prodigal sons
Well we are children no more, we have sinned and grown old
And our Father still waits and He watches down the road
To see the crying boys come running back to His arms
And when I thought that I was all alone
It was your voice I heard calling me back home
And I wonder now Lord
What it was that made me wait so long
And what kept You waiting for me all that time
Was Your love stronger than my foolish pride
Will You take me back now, take me back and let me be Your child
'Cause I've been broken now, I've been saved
I've learned to cry, and I've learned how to pray
And I'm learning ...
Friday, May 8, 2009
Grief and Gratitude.
Today is the day of my transition ceremony.
I can't help finding myself in the tension of two polar emotions.
On one side, I feel extreme gratitude for these past few years. Johnson City itself, has been like my own personal "promised land" filled with plenty of "milk and honey" (as well as many other great foods...lol). I can't even begin to recount all the blessings and all the great memories I've had in this stage of my life. God has truly filled my life with great people and helped make Johnson City feel like a home with plenty of love to go around.
At the same time I have grief. Grief knowing that there will be people that I won't see anymore. I only anticipate keeping in touch with a few members of my class (just in the nature of life typically works), and there is always that feeling like what did I leave undiscovered due to my own busyness or self-preoccupation. I think this quote sums up some of my thoughts (even though it has to do with funerals...and I don't think this ceremony is on that level of somberness by any means. lol.)
"I think we cry at funerals-even at funerals of people we don't like-because we realize what a miracle a life is. You realize, this will never happen again. There will never be this exact combination of genes, there will never again be the things that have created this person to be what he is. God has spoken uniquely here, and it's gone. It's over. And I think there's some regret, because. we all realize, boy, we didn't pay enough attention." - Rich Mullins
So here I am filled with both celebration for the great things that God has helped me discover in others here in Johnson City and regret for the people that I didn't pay enough attention to . I suppose my hope is that He will continually help increase my awareness and attentiveness to behold the beauty in those ahead of me that my path will soon intersect.
On a lighter note, I really hope I don't find myself in another "lifetime" moment tonight with my OT class. If it happens, so be it. They're worth it, one of my many families that I've learn to share this wonderful thing called life these past few years.
I can't help finding myself in the tension of two polar emotions.
On one side, I feel extreme gratitude for these past few years. Johnson City itself, has been like my own personal "promised land" filled with plenty of "milk and honey" (as well as many other great foods...lol). I can't even begin to recount all the blessings and all the great memories I've had in this stage of my life. God has truly filled my life with great people and helped make Johnson City feel like a home with plenty of love to go around.
At the same time I have grief. Grief knowing that there will be people that I won't see anymore. I only anticipate keeping in touch with a few members of my class (just in the nature of life typically works), and there is always that feeling like what did I leave undiscovered due to my own busyness or self-preoccupation. I think this quote sums up some of my thoughts (even though it has to do with funerals...and I don't think this ceremony is on that level of somberness by any means. lol.)
"I think we cry at funerals-even at funerals of people we don't like-because we realize what a miracle a life is. You realize, this will never happen again. There will never be this exact combination of genes, there will never again be the things that have created this person to be what he is. God has spoken uniquely here, and it's gone. It's over. And I think there's some regret, because. we all realize, boy, we didn't pay enough attention." - Rich Mullins
So here I am filled with both celebration for the great things that God has helped me discover in others here in Johnson City and regret for the people that I didn't pay enough attention to . I suppose my hope is that He will continually help increase my awareness and attentiveness to behold the beauty in those ahead of me that my path will soon intersect.
On a lighter note, I really hope I don't find myself in another "lifetime" moment tonight with my OT class. If it happens, so be it. They're worth it, one of my many families that I've learn to share this wonderful thing called life these past few years.
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